People. This has been a week of bravery for me….
- On Monday I killed a giant spider. I know it had malicious intentions and thus had to be stopped.
- On Thursday I had a root canal without the aid of drugs or nitrous oxide. That’s right- I was totally awake and alert while the endodontist did whatever one does during a root canal.
- Tonight I’m going to a Haunted House. Eeeepppp!!!
The last time I went to a Haunted House was in Salem Massachusetts and I was nine. I kept my eyes shut for most of it and almost peed my pants a couple times.
Now 17 years later, I’m going to brave a Haunted House once more, this time determined to keep my eyes wide open and pants dry. Unfortunately, even though I am 17 years older and logically know that zombies, ghosts and monsters are not real, I am also shackled with 26 years worth of horror films that tell me the Walking Dead are migrating north west from Georgia and killer clowns like to hide in public sewers.
I ain’t gonna go down like that.
So, in the crazy, crazy chance that something crazy happens at the Haunted House (because it’s the perfect setting for a grizzly murder) I am going in prepared; see my list of Haunted House essentials below-
#1. Sports bra. Assuming that I might have to run for my life at some point during the evening, I don’t want to risk being slowed down by an unsupported chest. Plus, I figure flattened cleavage will fool the zombies into thinking that I am less meaty/voluptuous and therefore not worth eating.
#2. Cotton turtleneck. Obviously vampires will be lurking somewhere on the premises so I need to keep my neck protected at all times. It’s best to go with a cotton blend turtleneck because with all the running and hiding, getting sweaty is unavoidable- cotton breathes and will dry faster than synthetic fabric.
#3. Silver Jewelry/Cross. Everybody knows werewolves can’t touch silver- it’s their kryptonite. Throw on a heavy chain and some matching rings and be prepared to throw some punches. If you have a silver cross you’ll be even better off- werewolves and vampires cant touch you and you’ll be spreading the message of Christ’s Salvation (win/win).
#4. Running Shoes or Steel-toed boots. When it comes to shoe selection, it really comes down to your flight or fight response. If you are a flighter, strap on your running shoes and run away from the ghostly clutches of your paranormal predator- hopefully you came to the Haunted House with someone slower than yourself (aka the weakest link). Shout your words of affirmation and sincerest apologies to your doomed friend as you race away to freedom. If however, you are the weakest link or your primal response is to fight, you will definitely have a better chance at survival if you opt for more heavy-duty footwear. Steel-toed boots gives you more deadly kicking power and monster head crushing abilities. Plus they look cooler, and therefore your chances of survival are increased- if historical cinema has taught us anything it is that ridiculous looking people are always the 1st to go.
#5. Black eyeliner. Simple. Straightforward. Sexy. All important qualities when fighting for your life against an onslaught of monster mayhem. Simple because it means you don’t have to carry a bunch of cosmetics as you run pellmell through haunted halls. Straightforward because a well executed cat’s eye directly translates to you having a steady hand, and thus a deadly hand. And Sexy because you never know who you will bump into at the entry line of the Haunted House.
There is one item on the list of necessary life-saving essentials that I omitted for obvious reasons. While I believe its presence would greatly increase my chances of survival, I really doubt the security team at the Haunted House are going to let me in with my machete. I will have to settle for my little pink can of pepper spray instead. Hopefully the monsters will attack me face first with their eyes wide open.
Wish me luck! I’ll be wearing all of the essentials plus I’ll be going with a friend I can outrun. Chances are I will make it out of the Haunted House unscathed! Happy Halloween!